In an effort to make better use of Marines’ time instead of answering phone calls, squadrons have taken a page from the civilian world. They are now introducing automated phone systems to direct calls to the appropriate person.
Here’s what happened when Pvt. Lostit called the squadron Sergeant Major’s office:
“Who’s that knocking on my hatch? Since I’m out doing what Sergeant Majors do, I’m unable to take your call. So, listen up because I ain’t repeating this a second time. My menu has changed since the Chaplain made me clean up the language I use on this machine.”
Press 1 – If you think you know who you need to speak to and know their extension, press it NOW and stop bothering me, maggot.
Press 2 – If the Skipper had a Come-to-Jesus meeting with you and you need to find out what your extra duty is, press it NOW and get your butt over here PRONTO.
Press 3 – If you’re wondering why you were 86’d from the Club for mooning the barmaid—twice—press it NOW and think about why there’ll be no Good Conduct Medal for you today.
Press 4 – If you thought you were calling the squadron’s psychic hotline to find out when you’re shipping out, press it NOW and get your butt over here PRONTO.
Press 5 – If you’re whining about going to the rifle range and want to snivel out of it, press it NOW and see if you can figure out what “pulling butts detail” means.
Press 6 – If you’re unsure why you can’t sleep in and work “9 to 5” like your civilian brother, press it NOW and get your butt over here PRONTO.
Press 7 – If your recruiter told you there was a career waiting for you in the food service field, press it NOW and drag your butt to the mess hall to report for mess duty.
Press 8 – If you’re wondering why you can’t go to sick bay for that headache you have, press it NOW and get your butt over here PRONTO.
Press 9 – If you think I unfairly singled you out for punishment, press it NOW and see if the Chaplain has any extra “forgives” to pass out.
Press 0 – If you’re asking permission to leave a message, press it NOW and understand this, maggot: Sergeant Majors don’t take messages—we give them. Now get your butt back to work.
