Make Mine a Beer

I recently saw a saying in an e-mail which was attributed to Ben Franklin:

“Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

True or not, it makes sense to me. However, it’s doubtful the honorable Ben was talking about Lite beer. The only reason anyone drinks Lite beer is to help keep the kidneys in training for the real thing.

I can’t truthfully say everyone I served with in country drank beer. Just as I can’t say everyone I served with in country was mentally stable. But, I for one did drink beer and most considered me sane. One of the beers I drank sold for less than a dollar a case — Carling’s Black Label. While it was never considered premium beer, nor would you have labeled it a “working man’s” beer either, most just called it cheap shit. Once, I remember someone calling it “LOVE IN A CANOE” because it was f*@#ing near water. But it had alcohol and that qualified it as beer.

I found after I’d been in country a week or so, a daily flushing of the kidneys in the evening caused by the consumption of hops in a liquid state helped keep the war in proper perspective. For when the game got really hard-nosed, you could always have a beer and “piss on it.” Those three little words seemed to sum up every emotion felt for Charlie (piss on him), the country (piss on it), and incoming (piss on it too). You didn’t have to have a Ph.D. in sociology to understand those words.

Consumption of beer in country had a tendency to bring out the creative instincts of the combatants. One creative endeavor, the can gun, evolved into a highly sophisticated weapon as well as a free-style art form which current day historical revisionists overlook. If it weren’t for beer cans and blade tape, the can gun would have just languished as a poor cousin of the zip gun.

Many a ready room has been turned into a mock can gun theater of war where valuable lessons in evasive maneuvering were taught to fledgling aviators. The mathematics of trajectory were taught, thresholds of pain were experienced, and explosive techniques were demonstrated to get that “just right” ignition of the lighter fluid. All of this, we owe to BEER.

When you went in country, you didn’t want to have to spend a lot of time studying things. With beer, you didn’t. You could take a NFG in the squadron and within minutes they could be drinking beer as well as buying a round or two. Whereas hard liquor required you to requisition a palate, then use up to two nights acquiring a taste for it. And, you gave nothing back in return. With beer, one visit to the four-holer and it all went back into the earth. No experience required. Any newbie could do it. That left more time available for air medals.

Lastly, fifty-cal rounds left rather large holes in the sides of aircraft. However, when a beer can is flattened and the blade tape is cut in even strips, those holes just disappeared. With the exception of the Anheuser-Busch logo, you’d never know they were there. Now, try that with your average shot glass. Made you proud to drink American and serve your country at the same time.

TO BE CONTINUED…