Alright, grab your cover and hold onto your crayons! Whether you’re a salty devil or a boot fresh off the bus from MCRD, this rank rundown is sure to bring a smile.
Enlisted Ranks:
E-1 Private (Pvt): Welcome to the suck, recruit! As a Private, your primary mission is to be confused and do exactly what you’re told, which usually involves a lot of running, shouting, and push-ups. Your life goal right now? Survive boot camp and don’t lose your rifle. Remember, every Marine starts here, so keep your head down, learn fast, and avoid making eye contact with any NCOs who look like they need a volunteer. Embrace the suck!
E-2 Private First Class (PFC): Congratulations, you’ve got a stripe! This means you’ve mastered the art of cleaning toilets and are now allowed to complain about Privates. You’ll be the one carrying the heavy stuff and answering to everyone with a stripe or more. And yes, that’s almost everyone.
E-3 Lance Corporal (LCpl): Ah, the “Lance Criminal” rank. You’ve now been trusted with responsibilities, like making sure the barracks party doesn’t get too out of hand and finding yourself in hilarious situations that end up as the next sea story. If you’re not getting NJP’d, you’re not trying hard enough.
E-4 Corporal (Cpl): As an E-4, you’ve earned your blood stripe, that coveted red stripe on your dress blues trousers. This stripe signifies that you’re an NCO who can handle responsibility—and a lot of extra crap. You’re the one balancing being one of the guys with being the guy who gets things done. Corporals are responsible for training junior Marines and making sure they don’t do anything too stupid—at least not without supervision. Your new favorite hobby? Spot checking gear and chewing out Lance Corporals. Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility and an endless supply of Lance Corporal hijinks.
E-5 Sergeant (Sgt): The Corps’ workhorse. Sergeants know everything and are responsible for everything. They’re the ones who keep the machine running while also being the butt of every “why is the sky blue” question from the boots. Pro tip: If a Sergeant looks busy, it’s best not to interrupt unless you’ve got a death wish.
E-6 Staff Sergeant (SSgt): Moving on up, the Staff Sergeant is the person who’s seen it all and isn’t afraid to let you know. They’ve got the answers to questions you didn’t even know you had and can turn a platoon of misfits into a well-oiled machine. They also have the power to ruin your day with a single look.
E-7 Gunnery Sergeant (GySgt): The legendary “Gunny.” You can solve any problem with 550 cord and duct tape, and you’ve got a sea story for every situation. These Marines are like the Jedi Masters of the Corps, possessing a level of wisdom and sarcasm that can’t be matched. If you need something done right, call a Gunny. If you need to be told exactly how you screwed up, also call a Gunny.
E-8 Master Sergeant (MSgt)/First Sergeant (1stSgt): Here we have the gurus of the Corps. Master Sergeants are the technical experts, the ones who know everything about their MOS. First Sergeants are the senior enlisted advisors who can deliver a motivational speech that’ll make you want to charge a hill just to impress them.
E-9 Sergeant Major (SgtMaj)/Master Gunnery Sergeant (MGySgt): The top of the enlisted food chain. Sergeant Majors are the voice of the enlisted Marines, capable of delivering a butt-chewing that’ll make your ancestors feel it. Master Gunnery Sergeants are the wizards who can solve any problem with their mystical knowledge and experience.
Warrant Officer Ranks:
W-1 Warrant Officer 1: The fresh meat of the warrant officer world. These Marines have just transitioned from being enlisted experts to the mystical realm of warrants. They’re like the Padawans, still figuring out the full extent of their powers while impressing everyone with their technical wizardry. They often find themselves explaining to everyone else why things work the way they do, and occasionally rolling their eyes at the absurdity of it all.
W-2 Chief Warrant Officer 2: They’ve got a bit more swagger now. They’re the go-to for any technical question, and they’ve mastered the art of looking busy while actually solving the world’s problems. If you’re ever in a jam, find a CWO2—they’ll either know the answer or know someone who does.
W-3 Chief Warrant Officer 3: These guys and gals are the seasoned pros. They’ve been around long enough to know every trick in the book and probably wrote a few chapters themselves. They’ve perfected the thousand-yard stare and the ability to make even the most complicated tasks look easy. You’ll often find them lurking in the background, making sure everything runs smoothly while everyone else gets the credit.
W-4 Chief Warrant Officer 4: The Jedi Masters of the warrant officer corps. CWO4s have a wealth of experience that can’t be matched. They’re the ones who know all the best shortcuts and have a solution for every problem. Need to get something done yesterday? Call a CWO4. They’ve seen it all and done it all, and they’ll make sure you know it with a smirk and a story that starts with “Back in my day…”
W-5 Chief Warrant Officer 5: The mythical creatures of the Marine Corps, seldom seen but always revered. CWO5s have reached the pinnacle of technical expertise and have the wisdom of the ages. They can fix a radio with a paperclip and a piece of gum and can probably explain quantum mechanics in layman’s terms. When they speak, everyone listens—mostly because it’s usually the first time they’ve said anything in weeks.
Officer Ranks:
Second Lieutenant (2ndLt): The “Butter Bar.” Fresh out of OCS, these Lieutenants are known for their endless optimism and terrifying lack of experience. Their main goal is to avoid losing the platoon and learning how to read a map. Be kind; they’re still figuring out which end of the rifle is the dangerous one.
O-1 First Lieutenant (1stLt): A little more seasoned but still prone to getting lost. They’ve learned to listen to their NCOs and have a few more stories of epic fails under their belts. They’re essentially the grown-up version of the 2nd Lt, still green but not entirely hopeless.
O-2 Captain (Capt): The company commander. Captains are the middle managers of the Marine Corps, balancing paperwork and field ops with the finesse of a Marine juggling live grenades. They’ve got the know-how to get things done and the charm to convince you it was your idea all along.
O-3 Major (Maj): The field grade officers who’ve mastered the art of the PowerPoint. Majors are the strategic planners who can organize a battalion operation while also making sure their coffee is just right. They’re the ones who turn chaos into order—or at least a very organized version of chaos.
O-4 Lieutenant Colonel (LtCol): The seasoned veterans of the officer corps. They’ve seen it all, done it all, and have the medals to prove it. They make the big decisions and have a contingency plan for their contingency plans. If you see one looking stressed, you know things just got real.
O-5 Colonel (Col): The top dog of a regiment or large battalion. Colonels are the epitome of leadership and experience, capable of inspiring entire units with a single speech or terrifying them with a single glance. They’ve got the weight of the Corps on their shoulders and the know-how to carry it.
O-6 Brigadier General (BGen): Moving into the stars, Brigadier Generals are the bridge between the field officers and the high command. They’ve got one star and a million responsibilities, often found orchestrating the big picture while letting the Colonels handle the details.
O-7 Major General (MajGen): Two stars mean double the stress and triple the meetings. Major Generals are in charge of divisions, making the big calls and ensuring the Marine Corps continues to run like a well-oiled machine.
O-8 Lieutenant General (LtGen): With three stars, Lieutenant Generals are the heavy hitters of the Marine Corps. They’re responsible for entire Marine Expeditionary Forces and have enough experience to write several books on leadership.
O-9 General (Gen): The top of the pyramid, the four-star General is the Commandant or the Assistant Commandant. They’ve got the weight of the Corps on their shoulders and the experience to carry it. Their word is law, and their speeches are legendary.
‘I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I’ll kill you all.’ ~General Mattis
Remember, no matter your rank, Once a Marine, Always a Marine!
